I feel like I am wandering through each day, not achieving anything, and not feeling any joy, although I am feeling other emotions of sadness, anger, loss and a huge urgency to take flight. Where would I go, I don't know, and even if I did I am also aware that these feelings would just travel with me.
I have been reflecting, and it seems it has been so long since I felt true joy, happy with who I am and where I am. I feel like sadness has placed a veil over me and this now defines who I am.
It has been a long time since my house was busy, full of laughter, noise, and the spontaneity of children and all our family and friends passing through it's doors. Back then I felt I was happy and had most of what I wanted and needed When did it change, was it after my mother passed away, was it after I became ill, or was it when my girls, the youngest of my children left home and I sold the house which held all that noise and laughter within it's walls to move into a smaller house. Was it all these thing compounded?
Did I put out an invisible sign "Go away, do not enter sadness lives here"
was it then?
Logically I know this anger, pain and feeling of desolation is grief, but on reflection how long have I been grieving? I know I am grieving for a son who held such a large place in my heart and his loss is at times overwhelming but it seems I am also grieving for myself. Self pity, maybe, will this pass, I am sure it will.